PHIL
Hello there, I’m Phil Vischer. And I’m here with my friend Buck Denver…
BUCK DENVER
That’s me! Buck Denver! “Man of news!!”
PHIL
Um – right. And we’re here to take you deep inside the most amazing book ever written!
You know, since Johannes Gutenberg invented the printing press around 1440, millions of different books have been printed. And of all those books – one has sold more copies than any other, and has been translated into more languages than any other, and has affected the world more than any other.
IAN
Oh! I know what it is!
PHIL
Hmm? Oh – hello, Clive and Ian!
IAN
I know what it is!
CLIVE
Introduce yourself first.
IAN
I’m Ian!
CLIVE
And I’m Clive, his brother!
IAN
And I know what it is!
PHIL
All right Ian – tell us! What is the best-selling, most influential book of all time?
IAN
Pat the Bunny.
CLIVE
Ian!
IAN
Goodnight Moon?
CLIVE
Oh for heaven’s sake!
IAN
Hop on Pop? Green Eggs and Ham?
PHIL
Those are all good guesses, Ian, and they’re all good books – in fact I own every one of those and enjoy them quite a bit. But none of them are the best-selling, most influential book of all time.
No, that honor would go to this book.
IAN
It’s as big as my head!
CLIVE
And that’s saying something.
IAN
What is that giant book?!?
PHIL
This – is a Bible.
And THIS is a Bible.
And THIS is a Bible.
And THIS is a Bible.
IAN
That looks like a phone.
PHIL
It is. It’s my phone. BUT on my phone are TWO different versions of the Bible!
IAN
I’ve got Tetris on my phone.
It’s kinda fun…
CLIVE
I think you’re missing the point. We’re talking about the Bible!
PHIL
Ahem. Right. The Bible has been translated into more than 2000 languages and dialects, making it the most translated, most influential, best-selling book in the history of the world!
IAN
And I thought Tetris was popular…
PHIL
And that’s why we’re going to take you from one end of the Bible to the other, in our new show – “What’s in the Bible – with Buck Denver!”
IAN
Catchy title! But shouldn’t it be “What’s in the Bible with Clive and Ian?”
CLIVE
That has a nice ring to it!
BUCK DENVER
What? No one wants to see “What’s in the Bible with Clive and Ian!” They want to see “What’s in the Bible with Buck Denver! Man of News!”
IAN
Well, who made you the king of the … Bible shows?
BUCK DENVER
Phil did! When he put my name on the cover!
PHIL
Now, guys – let’s not argue… this is a show about the Bible!
CHUCK WAGGIN
Hey y’all!
PHIL
Oh – hi Chuck Waggin.
CHUCK WAGGIN
You can’t do a show about the Bible with Yankees and Brits! You need someone from the buckle of the Bible belt! Someone with a GEEtar – who can sing songs like this!
(sings)
Oh the Bible is a book with about a million pages Don’t try to read it all at once, you’re better off in stages!
Don’t drop it on yer foot, or yer toes are gonna ache. Keep it clean and neat and warm and dry for goodness sake!
PHIL
Uh… Chuck Waggin, I don’t know…
CHUCK WAGGIN (singing)
Oh the Bible is a book with a zillion million words! You can read it all in Hebrew but it’s gonna sound absurd
They were readin’ it in Jesus’ day and we still read it now If your Bible’s made a’ leather it smells sorta like a cow!
Oh the Bible… Oh the Bible… Oh the Bible is a real important book on the shelf! Oh the Bible… Oh the Bible… It’s time to bring it down and take a look for yourself!
It’s time to take that book down from the shelf!
SUNDAY SCHOOL LADY
Oh for the love of Henrietta Mears!
Buncha fellas can’t teach the Bible all by themselves! It takes a lady’s touch! Especially if that lady is a professional Sunday School teacher.
PHIL
Hi, Sunday School Lady!
SUNDAY SCHOOL LADY
Hello, dear. Welcome to “What’s in the Bible with Sunday School Lady!”
IAN
That’s ridiculous!
CLIVE
Who said SHE could come?!?
AGNES
Good heavens, Winnifred! Only two minutes in and it’s already a train wreck!
WINNIFRED
Yes, Agnes. Should I change it?
AGNES
No! I love it! This is more fun than American Idol!
BUCK DENVER
… with BUCK DENVER!! MAN OF NEWS!!!
CHUCK WAGGIN (singing)
If you only talk to Yankees your theology is saggin’ … so you better learn yer Bible with a fella like Chuck Waggin!!
SUNDAY SCHOOL LADY
I’ve got a Magic Flannelgraph!!
PHIL
Hold it! Hold it! HOLD IT!!
We’re teaching the Bible – which says an awful lot about cooperation, and sharing, and getting along with each other.
IAN
Is that true?
CLIVE
I’m afraid he’s right.
SUNDAY SCHOOL LADY
Good point.
Why didn’t you catch that, Magic Flannelgraph?
Sleeping?!? Your eyes were wide open!!
PHIL
SO – we’re going to go through the Bible TOGETHER. All of you can help.
BUCK DENVER
But… what do we call it?
PHIL
We already have a perfectly good name.
Welcome to “What’s in the Bible – with Buck Denver!”
CLIVE
And friends?
PHIL
“… and friends.”
AGNES
Five bucks says they don’t make it past Leviticus.
WINNIFRED
You’re on.
