How to Talk to Your Kids about Friends with Special Needs

SwingAs the parent of a child who is on the Autism Spectrum, I deeply desire for him to have real friendships and the chance to play with other kids who are his own age.  But I also know that throwing him into unregulated play is sometimes taking a big gamble.  Will he have an emotional outburst or will something done during play contribute to a sensory overload that will cause him to react, scaring or confusing the other kids or alienating him from these children and potential friendships? Will the desire for him to be included in with his peers eventually lead to self-esteem issues, schoolyard bullying and social isolation?

These are the daily questions parents of special needs kids face: this ongoing teeter-totter of trying to balance the need for our children to have socialization and the need to protect them from psychological and even physical pain.  It’s tough. It’s a balancing act that many of us aren’t exactly sure where or how to begin.

I need to tell you that I dislike the titles of “special” and “typical” we give kids, just like I dislike the word “normal”, but it’s how classifications work, so I’ll use them to clarify points.  Just know that I personally believe every child is special in a very non-typical way, because God created them to be unique! That being said, I am also the mother of a typical child. He’s the older brother.  Like many of you, I have taught my older son the Biblical lesson of loving his neighbors, hopefully leading by example.  We have served in local missions to feed the hungry, put together many Christmas shoeboxes for Samaritan’s Purse, and are currently sponsoring children in Africa and South America. But what here at home? What about our kids even in our neighborhood or at his school who may have a learning or physical disability? How does he love them in a Biblical sense?

Loving our neighbor can come in the form of including all kinds of unique kids in our group of friends.  It can mean going the extra mile and learning about their specific behaviors, which may seem odd to someone who is considered “typical” but which really are a natural mechanism in which they try to function in a world that may be simply too loud or too confusing at times. It is realizing that ALL kids desire friendship and then taking the first step to be that friend.

Being the hands and feet of Jesus can be done right in our own neighborhoods, churches, and school yards!  (Matthew 25:40) The king will answer, “Whenever you did it for any of my people, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you did it for me.”

My friend, Bill Nason, MS, LLP, who is a behavioral specialist, has developed a great Facebook discussion page in which he provides useful advice for parents and advocates to help children on the spectrum feel safe, accepted and competent. Using common strategies, he’s able to speak to individual strengths and challenges in our kids.  Here are some wonderful suggestions that Bill has posted on his site for parents who want to organize play dates for their kids who may have self-regulation or sensory issues. This information is also great for school teachers and ministry leaders who teach in an inclusive Sunday school program! If you have a friend who has a child with autism, I encourage you to share this information with them. Bill writes the following:

“I usually recommend to parents to start with short, one on one play dates, that can be planned ahead of time, previewed and reviewed with the child in advance and facilitated to maximize success. I recommend doing the following for maximizing “peer play” or what some call “play dates.”

1. Plan ahead and preview what is going to happen. Make a list of what possible activities the child and his friend is going to play. Try to schedule out the play date with possible substitute activities if things do not go right. Always have a plan B ready.

2. Discuss with the child ahead of time the following:

a. What he can expect to happen; lay it out for him,
b. What will be expected of him.
c. How long it will last.
d. How he might handle any anticipated problems (sharing, taking turns, choosing activities, not getting his way, etc.)

3. Based on past play dates, discuss any problems he may have had and how he should handle them. If possible, role play them. Also role play and new games or activities, so he is familiar with them.

4. Prepare the activity the night before and then review everything again just before the event.

5. During the activity, observe closely and help scaffold the activity if needed. Let the activity flow naturally, unless you see little signs that your child is getting dysregulated. When you see possible problems (break down in regulation), then provide subtle redirection to help repair the breakdown.

6. After the activity is over, sit down with with and review how it went. Talk about what went well and what snags may have occurred. From your observations, pick one or two possible problems you saw, and review this with him and how he may want to handle them (taking turns, sharing, taking turns choosing activity, etc.). Try to have one main objective (social skill) that you are working on to help develop greater cooperative play skills.

7. Make a journal with a page for each play date. Make an outline form to fill out with the following information. Divide it in two sections:

a. Preparation: List of potential activities, plan B, potential problems with possible solutions.
b. Post Activity: What activities where played, what worked well, what snags occurred, and what to try next time.

8. If you notice that the friend is perplexed about, or uncomfortable with, your child’s behavior, then explain to the friend “what and why” your child is acting that way. Children feel most uncomfortable when they don’t understand what is occurring and how to react to it. However, most children are flexible when they know what to expect and how to react.

Do not be too quick to move on to (1) multiple players, and/or (2) unstructured activities until you build that into your play dates. Once your child seems to be building the cooperative play skills needed to co-regulate with one friend, then build in less structure and less facilitation to see how he does handling the “give and take” interaction, and repairing breakdowns in regulation. Take it slowly to maximize success. I see the greatest failure in moving too quick into the unstructured, multiple peer, play activities, similar to what you would find on a playground. This type of unstructured play requires way too much regulation for most of our children to learn from.”

If you’re a parent of a special needs child and have been trying to balance their need for socialization and their need for protection, like me… I’d love to hear your story!  Please share it in the comments section.  May God bless you and give you daily strength and wisdom.

About the Author: Lisa Strnad is a freelance writer/blogger, who regularly contributes to What’s in the Bible? and Jelly Telly.  She is a homeschooling mom of two, who works independently in Christian media in the areas of writing, promotions and marketing. She lives with her husband and children in Nashville, TN.  Follow her blog at www.talkinglikeagirl.blogspot.com

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3 comments
Kristen
Kristen

Our son, currently, is only diagnosed with Severe Sensory Processing Disorder. I can deeply relate to the dichotomy of wanting my son to have social interaction vs. knowing many environments conducive for socialization of a 'typical child' set him up to fail. In our world of SPD we seem to have little recognition, so when a seemingly 'behavior' surfaces it's very VERY difficult to explain that it's neurological for our little guy and typical behavioral management will not serve him well. I actually carry around business cards with me that read "What appears as behavior on the surface, is a neurological condition called sensory processing disorder (SPD). If this is the first time SPD has touched your life, I hope you will be patient and understanding. " It also has a link to UnderstandingSPD.com. I actually started our own play group so I could choose events that I knew could be successful for him. It's been great as three kiddos with SPD attend on occasion and it's given us a great opportunity to let our little ones shine as well as 'educate' other parents (just like myself before I knew about SPD) who may be quick to dismiss our little ones as needing more behavioral management. We still haven't attended church in over a year and a half though. Outside of a rodeo church is one of the least accessible events for our little guy. Having to sit still, lots of people pushed in tightly together, lots of auditory, often lots of visual with the lights, people always wanting to pick him up, touch him, look him in the eye, talk to him. I'm curious if you have any suggestions.

Carmel
Carmel

I have a little sister with austism. It has been a challenge, but I know that God is watching us constantly, and that everything is going to go according to his plan. I can't wait till the day when we see things like austism vanish, but as for now I guess we just have to help and love our autistic and children with other disabilities.

Trina
Trina

My son is 10 and has autism. He is a huge blessing in my life! My daughters, who are all 3 younger than their brother, have had an unusual perspective on life because of him. They are more patient with any other kids with disabilities because they have grown up without the idea of "normal" in their lives. My oldest daughter, who is 8, regularly introduces my son to her friends and will often encourage him to play with them. She has been the very best therapy for him! My son is still very much a child who is socially "different", and we often have problems socially with kids who don't know him well, but it's amazing what a sibling can do! I find that many parents don't want to burden their child's "normal" siblings with their child with special needs, and I do make every effort to allow my girls time to themselves. Still, I told my kids a couple of years ago that their job as brother and sisters is to take care of each other and love each other. My kids all took that very seriously. My daughters see my son's need for friends and play with him and help him out when he is interacting with people who don't know him. My son holds his sisters' hands as they cross the street and helps them when they are playing video games. He doesn't let people talk badly about his sisters and is very protective. They take care of each other. For those times when my son doesn't have his sisters there to "interpret" or help him out, he struggles like so many on the spectrum. He has a few kids who call him "friend" but no one really close. It makes me sad and I really want to work on it with him. Still, I know my boy is amazing and that God is going to continue to use him in awesome ways!